This is what happens when you work with people who “get the web”: they meme you.

You would think that having to listen to me talk on and on and ON all day in IRC (mostly about lame trivia involving, well, me) would be enough, but no, not for my co-worker robcee. He’s gone and infected memed me.

The Rules

• Link to your original tagger(s) and list these rules in your post.
• Share seven facts about yourself in the post.
• Tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names and the links to their blogs.
• Let them know they’ve been tagged.

I thought long and hard about writing 7 incredibly uncomfortable things you didn’t want to know about me so I’d stop getting these memed memes (like how I was the photographer behind that GOATSE photo; really, that guy is just so misunderstood) but I actually quite enjoy my job and working with these people so…

Seven things you probably don’t know about me (but might, if you’ve read this web site at all in the past nine years)

1. I don’t drive. I don’t even possess or have ever had a full driver’s license. There’s a lot of good reasons for this lost in the fog of a vicious Fabergé egg habit and too many drags off of the nitrous oxide hookah in high school, but the main chestnut is this: I hate the person I become when I drive, and instead of dealing with that issue, I’ve just eschewed driving altogether. Win-win, for the most part.

   I used to think I was the oldest person I knew who had never gotten their driver’s license until I met James, who I will most definitely meme when this is all said and done so we can hear about that unfortunate teabag incident of ‘01. Er, maybe.

2. I have no schoolin’. I tried a number of times but I failed university. I first tried sciences and spent most of that time sitting in the campus radio station smoking and drinking coffee. Later attempts at English and Film studies were crushed by a massive disagreement with a professor on the merits of Michael Douglas’ Falling Down (aka “Huge Steaming Pile of Shit”). Consequently, I have no degrees to speak of, except for a trades diploma in “Automation and Robotic Technology” that I used one in 1988 and then have never thought about since.

   This is a source of vague discomfort as I am constantly surrounded by incredibly smart, learned people, but I’ve cultivated an impressive ability to fling bullshit, so I’ve learned to manage.

3. I still can’t believe I make my living with a computer. From 1989 until approximately 1999 I didn’t touch, think about, or interact with computers except a few times as a glorified typewriter. Considering my dad introduced me to electronics when I was 10 (thanks to Heathkit and my dad’s indulgent purchase of an Apple II+ in 1980) one would think a career in computers was completely obvious. But it wasn’t until I was unemployed and on the dole that getting retrained for this new world wide web thing seemed to be a no brainer.

   Some days I wake up and wish I was out working on a farm growing lima beans and actually doing something of tangible value, but then I drink a coffee and the moment passes.

4. I have had way too many jobs. I’m not sure if I should be proud or ashamed of this, but since my first job (Smitty’s Pancake House at 15) I’ve had at least 40 jobs, and at least five distinct careers. The reasons for this are many, but ultimately it comes down to a lack of direction, a number of years supplementing an attempt to make a living from music (and almost doing it, for a while), and some borderline ADD. There’s a small sampling of the jobs I’ve had on the FAQ page, if you’re curious.

   As for what I’ve learned from a lifetime of job jumping, I could say that this school of life experience might make up for my lack of education (see #2 above). But really, I’m just kidding myself, right?

5. I still know how to play Journey’s Open Arms on the piano. Like any good Chinese boy, I took piano lessons for many years in an ultimately futile attempt to become a concert pianist and make my parents proud. One of my teachers thought I should have some more “modern” pieces in my repertoire, and after a trip down to JJH Maclean’s in Winnipeg I had a songbook chock full of modern classics.

   Some other pieces from this era that I learned includes the Hill Street Blues theme, The Stray Cat Strut, Hargood Hardy’s The Homecoming, and most embarrassingly, the theme from Joanie loves Chachi.

6. Hairfarmer! During my time as a musician in a dark and confusing period known as “The Mullet Years” I used to have hair 3/4 of the way down my back. I mistakenly thought this would make me seem cooler and more intensely sexual but it mostly ended up with me being called “ma’am” a lot and having to spend 45 minutes washing and drying my hair in the morning. After the umpteenth time hearing someone exclaim, “holy shit, you’re one of the guys from Death Angel!” I cut it all off and started dying it instead.

   I then spent a few years enduring, “hey, you’re James Iha from the Smashing Pumpkins!” You can’t win.

7. For me, the smell of popcorn is like getting my nose stuck between the buttocks of a gassy senior citizen. One of my many jobs was working as a movie critic / entertainment writer, and having to see 1-3 movies a week, every week for around 3 years turned the smell of popcorn from the innocent, er, scent that it is for most to one of pure aromatic agony. Now whenever I smell popcorn all I can think about is trying to put as much distance between my nose and its airborne molecules as quickly as possible.

   Obviously I’ve learned to deal with this or I’d never see a movie in the theatres again, but it’s high up on my cringe list. Because hey, when you smell something you’re basically tasting it. Think about that the next time you use a public washroom.

Spreading the STD (“socially transmitted disease”)

As for whom I’m going to infect with this meme, here are the lucky contestants:

1. The aforementioned James, grand-pooh-bah behind the Supernerds Local 154 and fellow SXSW veteran.
2. Gord, the interweb’s master of ceremonies and Toronto’s first living pop culturist.
3. Scott, he of the fine facial hair and wicked design sense.
4. Lana, who recently had her first child and has an excuse if she doesn’t get to this quickly.
5. Magda, who can dish advice like there’s no tomorrow, but can she meme it up equally as well?
6. ChrisP, my man in Winnipeg. Three-plus years since he last posted anything writerish is just too damn long.
7. Renée, because four years is even longer, and because she needs a kick in the ass to start writing again.